open your heart

. . . was the theme of our tantra class last week. We used a variety of forms, such as voice, dance, yoga postures and massage, in order to release energy that might be trapped in the heart chakra. The idea behind tantra is to free the energy of the chakras in order to increase awareness and consciousness. It's about getting out of your mind and into your body. At least that was the selling point for me, a born-again mother and recovering academ-oholic.

Well, there we were ... watching a demonstration of a massage we were about to do (in public), which basically involved a figure 8 massage around the breasts. My yoga teacher named Lyrah (www.world-of-bliss.com) was demonstrating the massage on another instructor (Birgitte), who just whipped off her shirt like it was nothing. At first I was thinking there was no way I could go through with it, but as time went on I mustered up the courage. Of course, there was a great deal of respect that was paid, and it was all kept within the context of the session. I must admit it was a liberating experience for an American who's never been topless in public before.

But then, something unexpected occurred. It was while Stijn was doing long sweeping figure 8's on my back, which followed "cleaning the wings", an expression used to describe loosening of the shoulder blades, that I had a realization. I'd been reading "Girl with a pearl Earring" by Tracey Chevalier, a story about the fictitious maid of Johannes Vermeer, the wide-eyed girl, who was the subject of one of his most famous paintings. As the story goes, Griet was forced to work as a maid for the Vermeer family when her father lost his trade as a tilemaker. She struggled with the difficulty of living with a new family, which was quite different from hers (Catholic vs. Protestant, for instance), and all the while trying to keep in touch with her old family and not losing touch with herself. She didn't laugh or talk as much and didn't feel like she was herself. Although our lives are very different, I can sympathize with many of Griet's feelings. It's a real struggle having two lives (one with your old family/friends vs. one with your new family/friends). As good as I thought I was doing, this massage/experience showed me that I still had a long way to go. It made me realize how much I really did miss my old family and friends and just feeling at home.

It also made me realize that I have to open my heart. I have to keep trying to make connections with my new family and friends, and all the while, not sacrifice who I am. I realize that it's time to quit looking back over my shoulder to see where I came from, what I did and who I knew. It's time to get moving. It's time to move forward ...