message from John Cleese to U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the USA

In light of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up
"revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up "aluminum," and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and
"neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary.")
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will
be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the
elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline") -- roughly $6/U.S. gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer, at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitters will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
referred to as near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies.)
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game not played outside of
America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (ie. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
moneys due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups,
never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
strawberries in season.

Thank you for your co-operation John Cleese.

Fiona FinlaysonManagerAustralian Indigenous Studies Program
Room 214, 221 Bouverie Street, Carlton
Tel 8344 9156Fax 8344 9162
Postal Address: School of Anthropology, Geography and Environmental Studies, The University of Melbourne, 3010