message from John Cleese to U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the USA

In light of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up
"revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up "aluminum," and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and
"neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary.")
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will
be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the
elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline") -- roughly $6/U.S. gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer, at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitters will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
referred to as near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies.)
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game not played outside of
America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (ie. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
moneys due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups,
never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
strawberries in season.

Thank you for your co-operation John Cleese.

Fiona FinlaysonManagerAustralian Indigenous Studies Program
Room 214, 221 Bouverie Street, Carlton
Tel 8344 9156Fax 8344 9162
Postal Address: School of Anthropology, Geography and Environmental Studies, The University of Melbourne, 3010

Phoebe's newest exploit

Phoebe's always been fond of boys, and this photo documents that she hasn't changed a bit. Meet Fynn - her newest and quite-a-bit-younger exploit -- the son of our Irish/German friends Jean and Ulf.

I must admit they make a handsome couple and they play well together. But Fynn seems to be enjoying his ice cream more than my little Phoebe, which reminds me of a boyfriend I once had who liked shopping for clothes more than he liked having sex with his significant partner. He's divorced now, so I guess it wasn't such a bad decision to end it right then and there. Sometimes it's the little things that make all the difference in a relationship.

ugly bug contestant

If I entered the ugly bug contest this would be my pick. It's a meikever, or May bug, and it's got the freakiest look! These guys emerged a few weeks back and we got to see them bumbling around. They're huge -- it's amazing they can even get their big butts off the ground. Can you imagine this thing flying right at YOU?

Gouden Schalebijter

Biking home from the forest yesterday with Alex and Phoebe (Zonieen Woud) I spied this beetle crossing the street and had to stop for a closer look. Turns out it's a Green Beetle (Carabus auratus) in the family Carabidae, also known as ground beetles. It's native to Europe and was introduced into North America to control gypsy moths but is not very common there. This is the second one I've found in Belgium. Needless to say, it made my day.

Check out the metallic green gold color, striate elytra and menacing mouthparts and sideways-facing eyeballs. The girls were as excited as I was, and we tried to get it home so we could show Thijs, Dad, and Oma & Opa who were visiting. But I didn't want to carry it the whole way, not knowing if it would release some foul and irritating chemical (which it did!) or if it might sink its mandibles into my skin. I did pick it up to show the girls, and it left the most disgusting smell! Alex said it smelled like a fahrt, but I think worse. The little guy was feisty and refused to sit quietly in Alex's bicycle basket, so unfortunately we didn't get to bring it home. Hopefully we'll be lucky enough to see another one of these days.

bullfinch

This is James. He's a Eurasian Bullfinch (Pyrhula pyrhula), or Goudvink. He's been coming to visit me every day for the last few weeks. He usually drops in just after lunchtime and stays a while. I don't know why, but when I think of the name James it makes me think of people who enjoy eating. And this little fellow is no exception. He sits for 10-15 mins. at a time feasting on sunflower seeds, which might explain his wide girth. James has a big belly! He doesn't talk much though. In all the times we've met, he's never uttered a single word, not even a chip note. All he does is EAT! He has a girlfriend, but he doesn't bring her around very often. She may be nesting or she may have hooked up with another male since James is too busy stuffing his face and not paying attention. At any rate, I'll be sad when it comes time for my friend to go. He's a man of few words. But with his spectacular plumage I guess he doesn't have to say a thing. 

a day off for mom

I just had my first all-bird day in Belgium. I went with Belgian friend Mady and a French bird club to an environ. educ. center & restored wetland near Chimay, BE (town where 1 of the 6 original trappist beers is brewed). Mady and I have birded on several occasions but this was our first grand day out. Mady's studying to become a nature guide and she knows about plants, moss, fungi, etc., including the huge yellow thing growing next to my head. When we watch birds, we usually use four different names (scientific, Dutch, English, French) to make sure we're talking about the same bird, which can be fun but confusing.

The agenda called for a birdwalk in the am and pm, with a pique-nique and aquatic tour midday. Now, if you're like me you're wondering "what the heck is a pique-nique"? Sometimes it seems the obvious is not so obvious. Or my brain capacity is too small or underutilized. Well, it turns out it's just as it sounds ... a picnic! And what do my fellow French birders drink for lunch, but of course Chimay beer! And when they found out I was American they started swearing about Bush and politics. They lightened up, however, when I began speaking Dutch and divulged that "mijn man is Nederlander". After that, Mady and I made a quick exit and got back to the fun stuff, like trying to find reed warblers and buntings.

And for those interested, here's the list of 38 birds we saw, which includes 6 warblers. Some of these birds make spectacular migrations, like European garden warblers which begin their journey in central Africa and fly all of the way across the Sahara and the Mediterranean Sea, returning in a giant circle by way of the Strait of Gibraltar and across the desert again. That's my plug for International Migratory Bird Day, which was celebrated yesterday (mostly in North America I believe, as birders here have never heard of this event). Happy birding!

great crested grebe
mute swan
egyptian goose
canada goose
pochard
tufted duck
mallard
great white heron
coot
black tern
little ringed plover
common sandpiper
barn swallow
purple house martin
pied wagtail
chiffchaff
chaffinch
short-toed creeper
song thrush
long-tailed tit
blue tit
european cuckoo
wood dove
spotted flycatcher
reed bunting
reed warbler
goldcrest
garden warbler
blackcap
willow warbler
redstart
greenfinch
European goldfinch
blackbird
tree sparrow
house sparrow
crow
starling

blue tit chicks

The blue tits took up residence in our nest box about a month ago and hatched their young just last week. The kids have been anxious to take a peek so yesterday we got the ladder and climbed up for a look. If you could zoom in on this photo you'd see tiny little grey heads w huge mouths popping up. Every time we'd pretend to peep like the adults the chicks would crane their necks out and beg like crazy for food. It was pretty sweet.

The other interesting thing about this photo is the green stuff growing on the tree. Because it's so damp in Belgium the algae thrives here and makes everything look like it has a carpet of green stuff growing on it. I'm sure I've seen it before, but it just hasn't caught my attention like the green stuff that proliferates here. I joke with the kids that if they stood still long enough they'd turn green like a martian!

meikevers

As you can see in this photo the kids are having a great time playing with these May bugs (meikever in Dutch), which also go by the names cockchafers or June beetles (Melolontha melolontha)http://www.kendallbioresearch.co.uk/chafer.htm .

They're attracted to porch lights, and in the evening you can hear their huge bodies crashing into the windows as they're quite clumsy flyers. They're big (25-35 mm long) and they have the coolest antennae which flare out w multiple lobes. They make a buzzing sound when they fly which makes the kids scream with delight. We haven't tied string to their legs and witnessed their aireal displays (as they go round and round) but I'm thinking about it as the kids would get such a thrill. Got that idea from former student Rob Adair! See what useful skills I'm learning during my sabbatical?

Phoebe's keeping these 2 adults in her bug bin and checking on them everyday, while mommy is just waiting for one to die so she can pin it and add it to her insect collection. I have to have something to show for all my hard work while staying at home!

back to Kent

Just as my best friend Laura and her family moved away from Kent (to Rochester, NY, just this week!), we will be returning in a few weeks. It's not the same Kent though. The Kent we'll be visiting is a region of England located in the SE part of the country.

We'll stay at this hostel style B&B on a family farm in a rural village in North Kent Downs Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty (AONB). It's ideal for cycling, walking and just checking out the countryside. Less than half an hours cycle ride away are the North Kent Marshes, which are great for birdwatching. Also nearby are historic towns like Canterbury, Rochester! (Is this too funny?) , Chatham, Leeds Castle and many other historic towns. The one big difference is that many of these towns are well over 1000 years old.

Laura, I'll have to send you a postcard from Rochester. And you too, Rochelle, since you'll be moving to Rochester as well. Maybe we can plan a retreat in Kent one of these years!

open your heart

. . . was the theme of our tantra class last week. We used a variety of forms, such as voice, dance, yoga postures and massage, in order to release energy that might be trapped in the heart chakra. The idea behind tantra is to free the energy of the chakras in order to increase awareness and consciousness. It's about getting out of your mind and into your body. At least that was the selling point for me, a born-again mother and recovering academ-oholic.

Well, there we were ... watching a demonstration of a massage we were about to do (in public), which basically involved a figure 8 massage around the breasts. My yoga teacher named Lyrah (www.world-of-bliss.com) was demonstrating the massage on another instructor (Birgitte), who just whipped off her shirt like it was nothing. At first I was thinking there was no way I could go through with it, but as time went on I mustered up the courage. Of course, there was a great deal of respect that was paid, and it was all kept within the context of the session. I must admit it was a liberating experience for an American who's never been topless in public before.

But then, something unexpected occurred. It was while Stijn was doing long sweeping figure 8's on my back, which followed "cleaning the wings", an expression used to describe loosening of the shoulder blades, that I had a realization. I'd been reading "Girl with a pearl Earring" by Tracey Chevalier, a story about the fictitious maid of Johannes Vermeer, the wide-eyed girl, who was the subject of one of his most famous paintings. As the story goes, Griet was forced to work as a maid for the Vermeer family when her father lost his trade as a tilemaker. She struggled with the difficulty of living with a new family, which was quite different from hers (Catholic vs. Protestant, for instance), and all the while trying to keep in touch with her old family and not losing touch with herself. She didn't laugh or talk as much and didn't feel like she was herself. Although our lives are very different, I can sympathize with many of Griet's feelings. It's a real struggle having two lives (one with your old family/friends vs. one with your new family/friends). As good as I thought I was doing, this massage/experience showed me that I still had a long way to go. It made me realize how much I really did miss my old family and friends and just feeling at home.

It also made me realize that I have to open my heart. I have to keep trying to make connections with my new family and friends, and all the while, not sacrifice who I am. I realize that it's time to quit looking back over my shoulder to see where I came from, what I did and who I knew. It's time to get moving. It's time to move forward ...

Phoebe's family tree

Kids deserve more credit than we give them. Take this drawing by Phoebe, for example. She was asked to draw a picture of her family at school, and look at this family tree she came up with.

Phoebe and her two siblings are on the bottom. Dad and I are in the middle. I love the long blonde hair and blue eyes she gave me, but Dad's looking a little thin on top and not too happy. But who's the blue-eyed, bushy-haired person who looks like they're sitting on my head?

Turns out it's the great grandmother after whom our little Phoebe was named - the centenarian Mary Phoebe Enders. Even though she's only met Grandma Phoebe a handful of times, she has an image of her in the highest position in our family. Without a single lecture (yeah right, mom!) she's able to understand her roots. Now if we could just get a few birds and bugs in the picture!