dreaded emails

today i got an email from mom: grandma is gone

felt like a sword speared through my heart when i read it

did she really mean grandma is “gone”? for good? the one who lived so long you figured she'd keep on going, like the energizer bunny! On April 4, 2009, she would've been 103.

The one who wrote me so many letters that i cherished as i was growing up, the letters i saved because i thought they were so beautifully written, back in the days when correspondence was “popular”.

The one who’d sit with me for hours and ask me so many questions about what i was doing, where i was going, how i was doing. She made me feel cared for, really loved, totally cherished. Maybe it was because she was my godmother. Maybe it’s because she liked to think about things, and so do i, so we shared that lust for exploring ideas and revelled in it together.

I will always remember sitting at the breakfast table at 1105 Princess Anne Street, eating plateful after plateful of grandma’s yummy eggs, salmon cakes, toast, bacon (going back for 2nds, even 3rds, was always appreciated) --- she always made yummy breakfasts, which went on and on and on and on and on .... because we’d eat and talk and eat and talk, and then keep talking and talking and talking and talking. This went on for hours ....... and hours ........

Most of all the time i spent with grandma i remember just talking. And looking at photographs, which she enjoyed so much. The thing that made grandma so special was that she came into “your world” ..... even though she might not know that much about what you were doing OR where you were living, she showed a sincere and genuine interest, and asked a 1,000,001 questions to show she wasn’t just sitting there. She always paid attention because she really wanted to know! She was truly curious about the world and the ways in which we live.

That explains why this day is so hard .... because I’ve lost a true friend. I’ve lost a friend that was generations away in age, miles away in distance, but yet remains so deeply lodged in my heart. A soul I could so deeply connect with, even though we never spent more than a few days together at any one time. Was it because ...... she listened ...... she inquired ...... she mused ...... she pondered ...... she cherished ...... she loved life?

I still remember how our conversations would go on and on and on ............... forever. They were like 10-course meals: delicious, delectable and divine. I still remember how Grandma loved to say those words.......oh, how she loved words ....... and oh, how she knew how to use them.

dear grandma Phoebe, i miss u already!